Archive for the ‘Ask Mr Funky’ Category

Ask Mr Funky

In Ask Mr Funky on June 15, 2009 at 1:08 am

     I got a mention in Dr Jessup’s alleged column in the Dispatch last week. Listening to someone extoll all features available on an iphone, including a link to Wikpedia to find answers to any questions that might arise during a day, der Lebo told the guy his regular cell phone already had such an attachment, which was called “Ben Philpott.” According to Jessup, he told the guy that if he needed to know someting, all he needed to do was call me up, reasoning “if Beno doesn’t have the answer, it’s nothing you need to know.”

     On reading this, I got to thinking. Since my last suggestion for possible blogging fun has been about as big a bust as any band David Lee Roth has joined since leaving Van Halen the first time (and that includes his second short stint with Van Halen), I thought I might start up “Ask Mr Funky” as a continuing feature on the blog. If so lofty an eminence as Dr Jessup thinks I know it all, why not share my unusual and nearly miraculous gift with the grubby and the sweaty mass of humanity? So gang, post your questions to me on the blog in the appropriate section. I can handle anything: movies, television, quadratic equations, literature, life-style choices, trivia, quantum physics, advice for the lovelorn, even the right choice of shirt or dress for that special occasion. I guarantee an answer. And, if you ever post a question and don’t get ananswer, I can assure you that the world as we know it has come to an end before I could post a reply.

     Here is some sample Q & A to help kick things off:

Q: What is John Wayne’s real name?

      A. Marion Morrison.

Q: Who sang “There’s Something In The Air”?

      A. Thunderclap Newman.

Q: I’m 23, a former Miss California, and have a filler figure. At the moment, I have two boyfriends. One is 25, great-looking, funny, but earns not much of a living as a park bench tester. The other is 76, shrivelled and unhealthy, but is childless and has a potential estate worth over 20 million dollars, which he promises to leave me if I marry him. Mr Funky, what should I do?

      A. Scratch on a bedroom screen in southern Lexington, NC, sometime after 4:00 AM any night there are cars in the driveway.  There you’ll find your answer, my child.