Motivation U

In Uncategorized on July 7, 2011 at 3:28 pm

It dawns on me (for Lord knows what reason) that you see and hear a lot of pitch words and catchphrases around these days – such as “Breathe” and “Life Is Good” and “Floss Daily” – but you don’t see much inspirational and motivational poetry. I’m talking about the sort of chicken-fried, uplifting stuff that mom used to clip and scotch tape to the refrigerator or that dad and a hundred other salesmen would swoon in unison over hearing read at a national convention. I am sure retired librarians and church secretaries still “publish” such twaddle in chapbooks regularly printed by the Kumquat County Literary Society and Tea. And it may be that I don’t subscribe to the magazines such as Reader’s Digest that used to be chock full of the stuff. Still, I think there is a niche that may be calling my name.

 Before I go any further, let me warn you that my poetic career is checkered, spotted and probably could stand some Clorox. I dabbled in the treacly “love is a bird that flies to God” type stuff that everybody wrote when they had to compile a poetry book in the 4th grade. I later penned a few odes in the “let me wander the great West on a motorcycle” mode. For a while, I fell under the influence of the great poets and philosophers Kahlil Gibran and Rod McKuen, but this is a time of my life best brushed under the rug with Cheeto crumbs and beer bottle caps. During my 38 minutes of visiting the dark side of life, I managed to write a single line in a morbid poem that, I think, stands the test of time and deserves to be ranked in the literary hall of fame with “I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree” and other acclaimed renderings. Mine is: 

           “I do not think that death wears corduroy.”

 In any event, here comes my first effort, which I wanted to test drive before submitting it for William Bennett’s next compilation of drool intended to improve the behavior of all Americans not card-carrying members of the ruling class.

                                             If You Think

If you think you’re a loser, you’re lost.                                                                        If you think you are fast, hit the gas.                                                                             If you think you can fly, then try to soar high –                                                        You’ll most certainly fall on your ass.

 If you think you must hurl, grab the bowl.                                                                If you think you must crap, climb the throne.                                                           If you think there’s a chance you must do both at once,                                Then I reckon that you’re on your own.

If you think you’re a junkie, score horse.                                                                     If you think you’re a doper, smoke dope.                                                                   If you’re young, blond and pretty with really big titties,                                 You never should give up hope.

If you think you are gay, then you are.                                                                        If you have some persistence, élan                                                                           And think you could dance in the Folies Bergere                                             Then you can if you can can-can.

Please let me know what you think of this first effort. Is this a path I should walk or run away from? Meanwhile, I am also starting to collect quotes and aphorisms for FunkyBeno’s Shit You Should Know. The first entry will be:

 I never knew a preacher that never drank who understands the first goddamned thing about the hearth fire and childbirth richness of life.


  1. Definitely keep it coming and I demand an autographed copy of Shit You Should Know.

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