Alternate Therapies

In Uncategorized on July 5, 2011 at 4:51 pm

 As a result of my recent experience with shortcomings of the traditional medical establishment, I have begun surfing the web, exploring alternate therapies. Some can be quickly dismissed, such as slathering myself with ketchup, mustard, onions, chili and sour kraut and parading about in a bun asking New Yorkers to elect me as their congressman.  Others are outright crackpot. Some hold genuine promise. Following is a sample of a typical browsing session.

With the tag line, “It ain’t how you gas, it’s how you pass” comes the website for Colon Health Cures, with offices in both Cologne, Germany, and Köln, Germany. Among the treatments advertised is a “Periscoposcopy.” The problem with a traditional colonoscopy, it seems, is that that it aims too small. To correct this lack of ambition, the good folks at Colon Health take a periscope rescued from a mothballed U-boat and enough lube to lube an entire U-boat and then they………….

 Next Web Page!

 The Holistic Wholeness website prescribes an immersion in “what’s good for you” as outlined by  Adele Rabinowitz, a Jewish mother, and Ida May Jessup, a professional southern grandmother. The program stresses good manners at all times. On TV, you watch nothing but “Little House on the Prairie” and “The Waltons,” and showings of Shirley Temple in “Heidi” and Hayley Mills in “Pollyanna.” You listen to Kate Smith, George Beverly Shea and Cantor Irv Kitsch of the Temple Beth Abram of Yonkers, NY. You are fed a steady diet of chicken soup, beets, Brussels sprouts…..

 Next Web Page!

 Herb Biesecker and Al Nance have put together the HerbAl therapy site…..

 Next Web Page!

 The desperate and daring can enroll in the Inhospitality Suite Treatment, where the therapy is designed to transform your body into an environment where even the most pernicious cancer cells would be reluctant to reside – in other words, you become a Super 8 motel on the bad side of Newark, NJ. The program daily subjects you to:

– the breathing equivalent of running behind the DDT blower truck you remember from your youth;

– a pitcher of Mad Dog (MD 20/20) Margueritas;

– a luncheon platter of chitterlings and a fried country ham fat sandwich;

– a two and a half hour sermon of hellfire, brimstone and by-gone American values by Junior Ed Joe Bob Stanchley of Agape Tar Pit Pentecostal Blood of the Lamb Assembly of the Holy Ghost and General Jesus;

– two hours of barstool chit-chat with Sol Evangelista, an unemployed auto worker from Dearborn, MI, and Arnold Petit, owner of the Holiday Life Insurance Agency and president of the Jaycees in Fort Tecumquat, IA,………

 Next Web Page!

 The Comprehensive Radio Therapy (Not Radiation Therapy) website, located in the Silicon Swale of the Tenderloin district of San Francisco is an offshoot of Apple. These folks have developed the iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipod, a player so infinitesimally small that it can be injected into the body by the hundreds of thousands. Encased in a special glucose shell, these devices attach themselves to bad cells and bombard them with sounds that kill the cancers. Among the most popular standard packages are pods that play clips of public statements by Tea Baggers and Conservative zanies such as Palin, Bachman and Glen Beck, but I am afraid that even a small dose taken internally would either make me so mad my heart would explode, or so depressed that I would think I have nothing left to live for. Equally risky would be the Standard Awful Music Package. Odds are those years of exposure to Mitch Miller, Neil Diamond, Garth Brooks and Shania Twain (the AntiHank and the AntiPatsy), “Hotel California” and rap and hip-hop (excepting Sunny Ledford’s “Myrtle Beach”) have left me immune.

 A person can apply for personalized packages, and I have a few ideas about what might work:

– a lengthy sampling of broadcast and print reportage in which the reporting is deemed of equal interest to what is being reported (“…..thank you, Brian, but I have just spent thirty minutes in an air-conditioned trailer and had to eat seafood flown in from Scotland to be able to stand here on this hot beach for two minutes and report that after 17 days, clean-up of the gulf oil spill has barely begun…..”);

– a sampling of sports reportage demonstrating that sportscasters are incapable of using comparatives instead of superlatives……every shot or block is a “great” shot of block, never merely a “good” one;

– misuse of the word “clinch,” which used to refer to securing a title or crown when there were a few meaningless games to be played before it became official (“the Sox have clinched the American League East with a week left in the season”) as opposed to actually winning the title or crown (“Dallas can clinch the NBA title with a win in game six tonight”):

– the utter disregard by everybody speaking and writing these days (even on NPR, for heaven’s sake) of the most rudimentary rules of grammar (“50,000 people has gathered to see the pope”):

– a now ubiquitous mistake in English usage (there is a name for it, but I am too lazy to spend any time in my ivory tower tomes looking it up………Anna Iones or Buddy Nance, Please Help!!!!) which I shall describe as the use of an inclusive positive to state something that could be more succinctly and cogently stated as a simple, direct negative, to wit, saying “All passengers in the crashed plane failed to survive” as opposed to “All passenger died” or “No passengers survived.”

 The problem with getting a personalized package is that you have to undergo six weeks of intensive testing at a cost of……..

 Next Web Page!

 Well, that’s more than enough surfing for the moment. I’m tired, hungry and could use a drink. If any of ya’ll have any suggestions of other sites or treatments you’ve heard about, please pass them along. Not only would I love to hear about them, but also I am always happy for something to add a little weight to my inertia.

  1. I am not capable of a response to this.

  2. Hayley Mills…um, um, um

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