Ask Mr Funky

In Ask Mr Funky on June 15, 2009 at 1:08 am

     I got a mention in Dr Jessup’s alleged column in the Dispatch last week. Listening to someone extoll all features available on an iphone, including a link to Wikpedia to find answers to any questions that might arise during a day, der Lebo told the guy his regular cell phone already had such an attachment, which was called “Ben Philpott.” According to Jessup, he told the guy that if he needed to know someting, all he needed to do was call me up, reasoning “if Beno doesn’t have the answer, it’s nothing you need to know.”

     On reading this, I got to thinking. Since my last suggestion for possible blogging fun has been about as big a bust as any band David Lee Roth has joined since leaving Van Halen the first time (and that includes his second short stint with Van Halen), I thought I might start up “Ask Mr Funky” as a continuing feature on the blog. If so lofty an eminence as Dr Jessup thinks I know it all, why not share my unusual and nearly miraculous gift with the grubby and the sweaty mass of humanity? So gang, post your questions to me on the blog in the appropriate section. I can handle anything: movies, television, quadratic equations, literature, life-style choices, trivia, quantum physics, advice for the lovelorn, even the right choice of shirt or dress for that special occasion. I guarantee an answer. And, if you ever post a question and don’t get ananswer, I can assure you that the world as we know it has come to an end before I could post a reply.

     Here is some sample Q & A to help kick things off:

Q: What is John Wayne’s real name?

      A. Marion Morrison.

Q: Who sang “There’s Something In The Air”?

      A. Thunderclap Newman.

Q: I’m 23, a former Miss California, and have a filler figure. At the moment, I have two boyfriends. One is 25, great-looking, funny, but earns not much of a living as a park bench tester. The other is 76, shrivelled and unhealthy, but is childless and has a potential estate worth over 20 million dollars, which he promises to leave me if I marry him. Mr Funky, what should I do?

      A. Scratch on a bedroom screen in southern Lexington, NC, sometime after 4:00 AM any night there are cars in the driveway.  There you’ll find your answer, my child.


  1. What is Thunderclap Newman’s real name?
    A: Prepare a poultice using dragonfly wing, salamander toe, and one page (mashed) from any book written by Ann Coulter. Combine with two raw eggs, one part each of Pepperidge Frams Stuffing, clarified bat urine and blue Play Doh. Wear on nose for four days. Call doctor if condition does not improve. Call doctor immediately if moss begin growing between toes.

  2. Dear Mr. Funky,

    I tried what you suggested. Mr. Jessup invited me in, changed into a Darth Vader outfit, and sang three verses of Kum Ba Yah…we were joined about dawn by a Mr. Roe who kept staring at me, hollering “No fruit!” Half hour later the three of us went outside, mowed Mr. Jessup’s yard and painted his house. I’m confused.

    Thanks for caring,

    Miss California 2004

  3. Dear Mr. Funky,
    Do you know the name of the lead singer for “The Tempests”? “Would you believe”,I do?

  4. Dear Mr Smiler:

    David Ruffin, brother of Jimmy Ruffin (Whatever became of him…wasn’t he brokenhearted?) was my favorite lead, and I think the biggest hitmaker of any. As to others, they don’t really matter.

    Mr Funky

  5. Mr. Funky,
    I cannot disagree with your opinion regarding David Ruffin, but you will have to admit Nelson Lemmond of the Tempests could also carry a tune!

    • Smiler: Oops, apparently my reading is becoming like my hearing, a bizarre and mystical trip into strange lands that don’t necessarily exist. Kuddos to you for Nelson. I do believe I can reclaim some cred by remembering name of Tempests record. “Would you believe” it or not?

  6. Greetings old friend from your former life. After all these years I love that you have not changed one iota, that i can tell, other than hosting this wretched disease. Keep fighting the good fight and prayers for you, Deidre & Harry. I won’t forget the night you & Fatz serenaded us from the back seat with “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence”!! Do you still know all the lyrics?

  7. Beno, We know about Thunderclad don’t we? Because I called you one night oh around midnight to ask who orignally sang that song because Tom Petty covered it and threw it in as an extra on a cd he released. I heard it years before by Mr. Newman but couldnt remember his name. But Mr. Funky knew!

  8. Does Mr. Funky know who Bernard Webb is? I do. Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

    • Bernard Webb is “nom de plume” used by former dead Beatle, Paul McCartney, in song-writing credit for “Woman,” a hit for Peter and Gordon. “Woman, do you love me…..etc. and so forth.”

      Ta da!

  9. You are correct sir! Say the secret word and win $50.00. Ben, glad you’re feeling better and have been getting good news about your treatment. Keep up the good work. I’ll try and send some more interesting questions to Funkybeno. Rogo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: